Out - Of - Control - In - To - Control

he said to me, I am in a struggle, I can hear his roller on the canvas, white all over. I as an individual, am afraid of that dark side, the mentally disturbed side of me... when he spoke of distortion, It taking over, it is painful, so real... I am really afraid. He further spoke of his inability to know the direction, something wishing to come out so strong yet trying something else, the dilemma of Drawing vs Painting, the shading and the effects of the colour...

Colours, distortion, figure, object, the narration, the energy which is demanding so much from within, a whole day wasted, a whole day gone, one after the other, so much energy, then something will happen, the true nature of Distortion, I am afraid as i watch, as i experience it internally... suicide, death, the sickness of the mind, how could the past be as such, why does it haunt me sometime... so there is distortion in all of us, more than duality, of our action, reactions.... he is painting it all white...

So that tommorow it will be a fresh day, Holy now.... rapid strokes of the brush in all direction, plastic paint, they are so attractive, i can eat them, i can gulp it all down, one can after the other....

As i try to remember his words, "It will be a problem for me, if i let it out, as it is wanting to come out...it will eventually come out in full force, but I am draining, i can not leave it.... I wish to draw further,

Connect to what you had started in begining, before the explosion of the drawings.... do something, I am talking but I am scared of the whole engagment, of the human psyche.... the artist's dillemma....

Don't you see, it has a mind of it's own, it is reacting on it's own, telling me , moving my brush, an inner conversation, the brush reacts to the mind, the body reacts to the mind, is this experimentation, is this nature of distortion, is it a begining of something, what will satisfy....

further he said, it is reacting in all ways possible, lot of possiblities, all are in his control, he further adds, the goal will be  scored by him, even though I am both the team.

I am nearly done with my icecream, often trying to fill my tiny spoon with the last drops of choclate syrup , licking the spoon front and back....This could be a problem, i say.... And i have my own problems too...

I, now wish to know Distortion, but only from a distance, from a safe distortion, as i saw it in the morning, the plane landing, the tyres screaching as they touch the runway, i watch the spinning in the window, everything going round and round, the white , yellow, black strips on the runway playing a video game.